A Thorn In My Stomach

what an interesting week of sorts...
theres something churning inside of me...literally

so tues nite im at work and all of a sudden i get this really sharp pain in my stomach...i mean it was so bad at one point that i told my boss i might not make it through the night...somehow i did, but after i got home, it just got worse to a point where i couldnt even walk, its was pretty freaky...
then, suddenly at 1am i got up to go to the bathroom and im in the bathroom i realize that theres no pain...just like that
but so the first thing in the morning i go to the doctor and he tells me everythings ok, that it might have been an early warning sign of an ulcer so he gave me some meds and im somehow ok

i dont know if im the only one but everytime i get sick, i go through this like comtemplative process, this moment when im re-evaluating my life and a lot came up
1. this thing w/ my mother. ok so all the abuse sexual physical emotional whatever, theres no changing that...and somehow i cant make/force my mother to recognize what shes done...and somehow i cant expect her to apologize...and even if she does, will that actually solve anything
2. once im somehow facing that issue, this new issue w/ my father is coming up. a father who was always distant, both age-wise as hes 82 this year and physically as he was never around or in fact seemed to turn a blind eye to everything...and now i find myself not being able to connect w/ guys...somehow im there but not there, i want to be there but i create this invisible wall, barrier
3. and how does God fit into all of this...well, im realizing that i dont need to try to love or force this love thing to spring up but that Jesus already loves everyone and all i need to do is get out of the way, that i dont need to force myself to pray for people but that Jesus already is praying for everyone and i dont need to force myself to commit to anyone but Jesus is already committed to everyone and all i need to do is let him
4. and this is one i have just today realized is that lifes too short, too short to be arguing about theology, too short to be hating, too short to be bitter, that we're all different and i shouldnt be the purveyor of truth trying to reveal how bad this guy is and indirectly showing how good i am