An Inch Closer to the Itch

ive this sense im here but dont know why, that theres something more, something not quite right, something missing and i cant put my finger on it.
sometime ago i wrote that one of keys was LOVE...that somehow LOVE has to do w/ this itch that i have.
today i might have found another key...my mother.
w/o going into all the details, i have this sense that i need to get revenge on my mother, i need to see her suffer for all the things she did to me, that i had to suffer all these years, the pain, the nightmares, the confusion, the shame, the hate, the anger, i need to see her suffer, suffer more than i did and to watch her as she suffers in the pain.
but then, i think, i know, this not only wont change anything...well, it might but its not right, somehow...that i need to somehow let this go...hm...did i just answer my own question...

last week, my friend was asking me: i like this girl but she moved bc she left for seminary and i miss her and my friend told me that i need to give her up to God but i dont know how to do that, i dont know what that means, and i told him what works/ed for me w/ my lust/pride issues is that similar to how the israelites worshiped idols, i imagine lust/pride as an idol, an actual idol made of clay and in my mind i imagine giving that idol to God...

is that what you are showing me/telling me to do...