Path to Freedom

to say ive had an interesting week is an understatement...especially these last few days

theology class...im learning so many things that are reshaping what ive been taught up til now...cant say that im lutheran but he definitely has some points going for him...so where does that leave me...
i started to think that...so God, what are you trying to do...w/ all the churches preaching around the world to different theologies, each of us i have to believe are sincerely trying to follow you, yet are we all getting it wrong, and at the same time all we all pointing the finger at the other person, or are we all getting it right, is there even a right or wrong...
you see where my dilemna is...maybe not
anyway, this has left me w/ a sense of...im in no position to be teaching anything...the more i know, it seems the less i know and the less of a position im in to teach...to teach anything...
and this is the sense i have as i walk in to my piano/english lesson exchange. i ususally teach my friend about what im going to be talking about in my bible study the coming saturday so it works as a practice run for me and my friend ends up learning english in the process so its a win-win thing...but last thurs, i went in there w/ nothing prepared, of course this week, my mentor/friend was going to give a talk anyway, but i really had nothing ready...
so here i am starting off our english lesson, he tells me about his day, his weekend, tells me that he gave his testimony/message this past sunday...then...it happened...he tells me how while he was preparing his message, he was reminded of what i taught him 3 weeks ago on john 21 when jesus asks peter 3 times do you love me, and he thought about that he was just filled w/ Gods love...
i didnt know what to say...cept that it was as if God was thanking me for what ive been doing
and not only that
his next 2 lessons cancel so i end up having dinner w/ him...and after dinner, we somehow end up talking about my parents and he asks me if ive forgiven them to which i naturally say yes, to which he says then say it, and i say yeah i'll say it, and he says say it now, and i look at, he looks at me, i look at him and i cant believe what hes doing
he leads me through this prayer that started something...i dont fully know what transpired but the next day, for the first time in my life i thought how nice it would be to have a family of my own

then last nite
so i teach bible study every sat nite and for some reason i get this feeling to ask my mentor to give a message on the dangerous disciple.
some background
it is this message that got me, that impacted me, this was the first message i heard form him, that he taught me as a mentor that changed my life and i wanted him to share it w/ my group before he leaves
yes, this is the same mentor that i felt betrayed by, that caused me stop going to church, that caused me to rethink/question what church means, what it means to be a christian, that i held bitterness, doubt, confusion towards
yet, last week 2 tuesdays ago, i call him to have lunch w/ him and i was free...i was tired of carrying all of this and thats when for the first time i felt sad that he was leaving...then a couple of days after i pick up the phone to ask him whether he would like to give a talk at my bible study on the dangerous disciple and he said yes, all the while im thinking why, why am i calling him, this is crazy, this cant be from you God, and thats when i thought, if i were to remove myself out of this situation, what would you jesus do right now...and thats when i knew i had made the right decision
and ever since, its funny, i dont see his sin anymore, i dont see what he did to me anymore, i dont feel any of that, all i see is someone like me who is simply trying to live the best that he can w/ the decisions placed in front of him
so i was thinking of various ways to introduce him, but what happened in the end was that i started by saying that he started out as my pastor, became my teacher, became my mentor/my disciplor, then as his family adopted me, he became my father, he became my brother in the battlefield, and now i can truly say that hes my friend
and what happened last nite was nothing less than a miracle
people were crying throughout the entire message...me included
now you have to know that when i translate i dont cry, for one, i dont know what im saying, thats to say that whenever i think of what to say i mess it up, i lose my place and i end up saying something different, but its only when i let it go that i let it flow that it works...the only thing is i dont get emotional about it, until last nite when it wasnt the message as much as seeing people being touched by the message that i almost lost it a couple of times
and what gets me all the time is when people come up after the talk to tell you that theyve been going through a tough week and this is what i needed to hear