moving on one day/one person at a time

so hm...
ok, seminary, my classes
i ended up cancelling that stupid class
and boy what a relief
i dont know why i do it
why i feel like i should even take it in the first place or why i feel like i should put up with it...im not even there for a degree but sometimes i just get into this mode that i got to do this...not even for anyone but to somehow prove myself
but now i got this time, more time to study on my own and its so much more rewarding now...none of that negative energy, the negative thoughts toward the school/the students...ok thats a lie...just yesterday i was having judgmental thoughts toward the students, i mean, theyre basically there as training to be "pastors" or should i say heads of future congregations/churches, and whoa, that has so many problems in and of itself
we always rotate to pray in our greek class and you never really know whos turn is next so i sometimes on my way to school have this chat w/ God like if its my turn to pray today what would i pray about and i always end up having these judgmental thoughts and thoughts of condemnation...and guess what, it was my turn yesterday, but whats weird is that everytime i practice this speech/prayer of condemnation, and when my turn comes, i always chicken out or it never comes out, instead i end up praying like a really short simple "teach us more about your love" prayer and what i realized yesterday was that we are just on very VERY different wavelengths about God and how we perceive God and how we perceive serving God
for me, it has increasingly become/becoming more about really trying to live out/work out/implement this thing called the love of God in my life and in nakama
what it seems to me at the seminary is that the love of God is good, thats ok, but what about the theology of all of that, how does that fit w/ what we are trying to do at church or as a church
it just seems very different, not that one is more correct, but just very different

and w/ nakama
im still learning that i still have so many issues, issues w/ guy-girl relationships and even guy-guy relationships, but slowly w/ one person at a time, one day at a time, im beginning to realize or see and be able to trust and heal and let go of past issues
we're coming up on the 1-year marker for nakama
we're having an overnight camp next week
should be an exciting time
the prayer walk went extremely well
learning how to let go
learning how not to be influenced, overly affected by others, not to fear rejection by others